Hi everyone!  I am SO SO pleased to be here as part of Jessica Leader’s Honeymoon Guest Blog Special (which is what I’m calling this in my head.  Though I think she’s calling it “On the Scene with NICE AND MEAN” which rhymes and is catchier).  I spent a lot of time thinking about what I would post today, seeing as I’m part of a ridiculously cool line-up of bloggers and authors who are sharing fabbity fab stories of NICEness and MEANness.  And, you know, I could post about all the nice things I’ve done and how I’m a totally nice person and how nice it is to know me, but:

The wisened semi-grown up writing this post.

1. How many of you would believe that a girl who runs a blog called The Hate-Mongering Tart is actually nice to a fault?  I mean, seriously

2. Reading about how nice I am is, as Hassan from John Green‘s AN ABUNDANCE OF KATHERINES would say, “not interesting.” (Um, I read this book last week and it’s hysterical.  Just saying.)

So.  I have decided to tell you about the time that Mean Girls — real Mean Girls — tried to take over my life.  I mean, wow, who would have thought the Mean Girls would have been interested in me?  I was a sort of punk rocker with pink and black hair and I wore lots of non-matching clothes and glittery make-up and they were pretty much obsessed with, like, making sure they had color-coordinated their outfits…to each other.

But somehow fate would have it that these two would be the girls with whom I’d spend most of my time at the beginning of my sophomore year in college. And though I had been bullied/ignored/uncool as a teen, I had had a pretty decent time with friends in college (and later had an even BETTER time, post-Mean-Girl-pocalypse, in case you were wondering).  And these girls seemed to like me.  Little did I know — as the geeks of the world so often don’t, in real life — that I was their PROJECT.  You know, like in that movie, SHE’S ALL THAT?  Where a girl takes off her glasses and gets a haircut and — BAM! — she’s a Hottie McHotpants and the star of the Prom?  Yeah.  They wanted that for me, without the makeover.

So, I thought, so that future Proud Geek Girls of the world are not lulled into a sense of security when attacked by a tribe of Mean Girls, I would make you a list of warning signs.

You've seen MEAN GIRLS. Have you ever felt like Kady? Or Janice?

WARNING SIGN NUMBER ONE: Your new friends always say things like “you could look so pretty if.”
It may SOUND like a compliment, especially to those of us who have grown up being told that or just feeling like we are ugly or fat or weird.  Me?  I felt like a total freak for most of my adolescence and sometimes still I look at myself in the mirror and go WTF, Emily, why do you have to look ridiculous?  But you know what?  A real friend doesn’t tell you “could be hot” or “could attract that guy/girl” or “could look good” if you lost ten pounds/changed your make-up/bought different clothes/stopped wearing glasses.  A real friend may look different from you, but she doesn’t doubt for a second that you’re awesome.  Okay, now you’re thinking, wouldn’t a good friend, like, tell me if I had spinach in my front teeth?  Or tell me that a dress I like maybe doesn’t complement my figure?  Yes.  You’re right.  But that’s different.   A real friend wants to help you be the best you you can be, by working with who you already are.  For her, it’s not about making you a different you altogether.  Here’s a test:  if it would annoy you coming out of your mom/grandmother/critical female relative’s mouth, it’s not something your BFF should say (or that you should say to your BFF).

This is me about 8 years ago. Being my goofy self. Arm belongs to a MEAN GIRL.

WARNING SIGN NUMBER TWO: Your new friends always have nasty things to say about your other friends and/or significant other.
Jealousy is ugly, for real.  And one thing all Mean Girls have in common is some funky green-faced action.  The truth is, and you may have heard this before but I’ll say it again, a lot of Mean Girls are secretly super insecure, like the rest of us.  And they don’t want anyone, even their Nerdy Girl Projects, hanging out with other people.  Unless its on their terms.  Like that time they said “We’re going to have a super fun lunch and then get manicures but you can’t come today because we’re having special us time.” (Yeah, that’s a bonus sign. Good friends don’t tell you about good times and then tell you you’re not allowed.) So when they find out you want to go to a concert on Friday with this kid they think is uncool/weird/mean/stupid/ugly, and even when you say “You’re welcome to come but I didn’t know you were into (insert style of music here),” they have to rag on your friend/date/acquaintance and how he’s not good for your reputation.   This?  Major sign your friends are mean girls.  Because a real friend wants to be a part of your life, meaning they want to know the other people in your life, even if they’re different.  (MAJOR EXCEPTION: If your friends don’t want you hanging out with someone because they are ACTUALLY dangerous, i.e., say, a drug dealer?  Or, like, history of violence?  That means they’re looking out for you, not just being jerks.)

The original Mean Girls movie was HEATHERS. Ironically, one of my Mean Girls' favorite films.

WARNING SIGN NUMBER THREE: Your new friends dole out “punishments” for breaking “rules.”
Yes this actually happens.  And yes, it’s happened to me.  And yes, most of the time, I didn’t realize it was happening.  You might not either, which is why I’m, like, filling you in and stuff.  Example: You eat breakfast with your new friends every day for a few weeks and then suddenly they tell you “We don’t know if you should eat breakfast with us today.  You talk a lot and breakfast is quiet time.” (This is verbatim from my REAL LIFE Mean Girl experience. Mean Girls, if you’re out there, I hope you feel SHAME. Um, I also hope you’re not stalking me.) You know what?  If you talk a lot, (or, you know, have some other quirk), that’s part of what makes you YOU.  And our friends aren’t going to like everything about us.  They might even get annoyed at us sometimes (mine sure do!), but that doesn’t mean they get to punish you.  If your friends make you feel  bad about being yourself, that’s a pretty big neon sign that they’re not really your friend.  Unfortunately, Mean Girls are pretty good at making you feel like it’s YOUR FAULT, hence the “rules” and “punishments” scenario.

Sure. Laugh at the Spice Girls. But they knew what it meant to have Girl Power. Girl Power means being there for each other, being true to yourself, and standing up for what's right!

WARNING SIGN NUMBER FOUR: Your new friends always want you to listen to them, but never have time to help you with your problems.
We all know her.  The girl who ALWAYS has something to complain about whether it’s a broken nail or a bad break-up.  And we listen to her problems because that’s what friends do.  We’re there for each other when times are hard, even if it is just a ruined manicure.  But what Mean Girls are good at is making you feel like any time you need to talk you’re interrupting/whining/being needy.  They can make you feel like your problems are not important.  You could be having a really bad day and a Mean Girl would tell you to leave her alone because she’s on the phone/channel surfing/watching paint dry and therfore doesn’t have time for your insignificant issues.  A real friend doesn’t dismiss your problems!  She might say, “Hey, can I call you back?” or “I’m having a bad day too and I’m just not in the mood to talk,” but she doesn’t ignore you completely.  She DOES call you back or hang out another time and LISTEN. Especially if she’s been known to call you in the middle of the night to cry over unrequited love/gaining two pounds/a mom fight.  Relationships are about give and take.  If you realize that all you’re doing is giving, and all your friends are doing is taking, they might just be jerks.  But if they are ALSO making you feel bad about needing someone to lean on, well, they might be Mean Girls, too.

On BUFFY, Cordelia Chase proves that Mean Girls CAN change their tunes!

Alright, readers.  This concludes the E. Kristin Anderson Guide to Avoiding Mean Girls.  I hope you found it both educational and entertaining.  Edutaining if you will.  No?  Can you only use that word if you’re like, an old person trying to be hip?  Well, crap.  I’m caught.   But feel free to leave me some comments on how YOU’ve dealt with Mean Girls (or guys).  Or tell me if you’ve ever caught yourself being a Mean Girl.  Because, you know what?  I think if we’re honest with ourselves, we’ve all been on both sides of that fence!  And, everybody deserves a second chance!  Anyway, I would LOVE to hear your stories!  Being a young adult is tough, and there’s no way anyone should ever tell you different!  The trick is to keep your chin up, and keep as many positive people around you as possible!

In any case, there’s plenty more awesome to come while Ms. Jessica is on her Honeymoon.  I’m looking forward to the rest of the posts!

And remember, even when it’s hard to tell who your friends are, stay true to yourself!  You WILL find the people who love you for who you are, just like I did!  And you can never have too many of THESE kinds of friends!  Peace Out from Austin, Texas, Y’all! <3

Me getting a face-hug in '07 from one of my BFFs FOR LIFE, Katy. Photo by Tony M. Harris.

According to my snazzy new Countdown Widget, there are now 97 days until the release of Nice and Mean.

Which can only mean one thing: Nice and Mean swag must be….Given away!

Giveaway giveaway giveaway giveaway

Yes!  You saw correctly, Pat–those are Nice and Mean bookmarks, next to Dr. Pepper Lip Gloss (Marina’s fave) and, not pictured, some Indian scarves that give Sachi a bit of pizzaz. 

Mavie, who runs the  very cool blog, The Bookologist, will be running the show. It’s next Tues, March 8th, which will be THREE SHORT MONTHS from N&M’s release.   If you find Mavie on Twitter (@TheBookologist), or find me there, too (@JessicaLeader), you’ll be up on the details and the chance to

Win!

Valuable! 

Prizes! 

This message was brought to you by the letters N and M, and by the punctuation mark !

Those Brits at The Guardian.  Always coming up with lists, aren’t they?  100 Books That, If You Haven’t Read at Least 50, You’d Better Get Cracking.  Or the 10 Best Films of the Decade and By The Way You Should Like the Coen Brothers.   This time, though, they’ve done something marvy: compiled the top ten pieces of writing advice from some truly excellent authors.

They started with Elmore Leonard, probably because his 10 are so pithy, but I’m going to veer off course for a moment and say I am sick of Elmore Leonard.  Sick of his hoopdetootle!  (You can only be wowed so many times by the word hoopdetootle.)  Sick of his maniacal opposition to adverbs!  As one of my educations profs used to say, most either/ors are usually both/ands.  Phonics vs. Whole Language?  Who said there can’t be both?

I am digressing, I know, and that’s probably enough dumping on Elmore, although I’ll also sneak in the fact that I don’t think anybody reads his fiction, so I don’t know why we listen to him.  But the reason I really came here was to nominate my favorite piece of writing advice in this stack:

From Anne Enright, Description is hard. Remember that all description is an opinion about the world. Find a place to stand.

I like this because frankly, I have a hugely hard time writing description.  Well–not of what people do when they talk; that comes alarmingly easily, as if I’m describing a screenplay.  (ps, Hi, Elmore–I just used two adverbs, and I think they worked great!) 

No, I have a hard time describing the background.  Oy.  What’s going on behind, around, and in front of the characters?  Don’t always see it right off and definitely, at first, do not care.  Yes, of course what’s happening on the street can enhance the action; why, in ch. 4 of Nice and Mean, poor Sachi is almost hit by a taxi, and it’s all metaphorical and nifty. 

But aha–that’s because, a la Enright, I’ve found a place for her to stand.  It’s not just, “Oh, the air was humid and cars rushed everywhere….”  Snooze.  I don’t think Sachi cares.  If it’s already hot, though, and a car lunges for her and stops close enough that she can feel the heat off the bumper–I think she’d care. 

It took me a long time to figure this out.  I’m still trying to picture things around the characters more than I already do.  But I also think I’ll do better if I stand where I usually stand–in their shoes. 

What’s your favorite (or least favorite) piece of advice from the list?

Good night, Elmore!

(Good night, Gracie.)

So every month, I post a new poll on my website (www.jessicaleader.com–just like this except w/out the blog)–that relates in some way to Nice and Mean.  The first was about whether you were nice or mean or somewhere in between, back in middle school; last month’s had to do with getting what you want (something both characters have great difficulty doing–one wreaks havoc in her wake; the other one sneaks). 

This month, I’ve asked, How did you decide what to wear in seventh grade?  People have been voting, with interesting results (honestly, I would not have guessed my friends and acquaintances were quite as conformist, but I suppose we all are, in some way)–but the best responses have come from Facebook.  In the name of giving you something interesting to read (because it is, after all, Comment Challenge Month, so we’re all hopping on each others’ blogs in search of material juicy enough to comment on), here are some fabby excerpts:

Stole my stepsister’s jeans and hoped to get home from school before she did so I wouldn’t be caught.

In seventh grade, I think I was shopping at stores like Claire’s. Eighth grade was the year for curlers. The bangs were definitely in a forehead salute.

I can’t remember how, but I do remember never getting it right.

Hey there! In case you’re new to the blog–every month (ish), I post a poll on my website related to the themes of Nice and Mean. So far, we’ve learned How nice (or mean) were you in seventh grade? And now we’re learning…

How do you get what you want?

If someone is standing in the way of getting what I want, I am most likely to…

• Decide what I want is not worth an argument 0%
• Sneak around them to get my way — 13%
• Discuss what I want with the person and try to compromise — 44%
• Try to get them to see that what I want is good for them, too — 31%
• Blow past them however I can to achieve my goal — 13%

If you’re a blow-paster, you’re like narrator numero uno, Marina, and frankly, even though I know many adult readers may balk at Marina’s brashness, I think young readers like and even envy that quality.  Why are they so into The Clique and The Ashleys?  The clothes, maybe, but also the idea that somebody out there just does what she wants.  Of course, maybe they also comfort from the fact that there are often consequences from completely unleashing your inner beech tree. 

If you kind of swallow what you want, you’re like Sachi–at least, how she starts at the beginning of the book.  She learns a little from her experiences, and from Marina, to be more direct. 

To vote in this month’s poll, How did you decide what to wear in seventh grade? Go here.

Happy birthday to my website, just over a month old.  If it were a baby, it could…hm…despite being a new auntie, I don’t actually know.  But since it’s my website, it has something to report: poll results! 

Last month I asked whether you, in seventh grade, were/are nice, mean, or somewhere in between.  54 of you awesome people reported the following, with the most popular in green:

You in seventh grade:

I always try to be nice, no matter what 30% (16 votes)

I’m usually pretty nice, except if I’m in a bad mood 33% (18 votes)

To be honest, I can be both nice and mean 28% (15 votes)

I’m nice to my friends, but if I don’t respect someone, I have no problem being mean 7% (4 votes)

I’d be mean to friends, enemies, or whoever, if they get in my way 2% (1 votes)

I was inspired that so many people tried to be nice as often as they could.  But frankly….I don’t know…who else out there teaches seventh grade?  Who else remembers seventh grade?  Don’t you think there were way more people who had no problems being mean to someone they didn’t respect? 

So–the people who took the poll–friends and fellow children’s book writers–are exceptionally nice?  We have faulty memories?  We don’t think we’re being mean, but sometimes, we are?  To what do you attribute this discrepancy?  Very curious.  Can’t wait to hear thoughts.

Oh, and: As you may have guessed, these answers correspond to characters in the book.  Most of you were Sachi, and not Marina.  You’ll see what I mean.

So Marina, one of the protagonists in Nice and Mean (ooh, coming out in a mere 7 months, minus three days!), is deeply invested in Dr. Pepper.  It’s the perfect drink for her: attractively sweet but also kind of burning.  She eats them with Mint Milanos, cookies whose chocolate is slightly bitter–also like Marina. 

My gal came back from a business trip to Texas having visited the Dr. Pepper Museum (yes, there is one) and informed me that she had a present not just for me, but for Marina as well.  The present for me was a t-shirt saying, “I’m a pepper,” which I have always, always wanted.  And for Marina, there was this:

Actually, it is even better than that: it is Dr. Pepper Tasty Lipgloss with Twist and Squeeze.  When you pop off the top, there’s a little brush stuck into the tube.  You twist and squeeze the tube and out comes Pepper goo, and then you paint the gloss on your lips.  It’s so cool!  I couldn’t find an image of that product, but let me tell you, it will soon be taking over the world. 

The best thing of all was that even though Marina can be a little grabby, she let me use her lip gloss, and in addition to making my lips look shiny and read and beautiful, it tasted Pepperific.  Mm. 

Since I’ve applied what will surely be my daily dose of Pepper, the tube is currently sitting on my desk as a little token of Marina-ness.  Now I just have to figure out a signature item for Sachi, my other narrator.  Sachi’s a lot less interested in Things than Marina, but she does have a gold and onyx ring from her grandmother that she twists in times of stress.  I wonder if there’s a Museum of Gold and Onyx where my gal is going next…