At my reading on Saturday, a brave middle-schooler asked me, “If you had a daughter who was dealing with mean kids like the girls in your book, what would you do?”  I tried my best to answer the question in the moment (see my earlier post on this), but I went home and thought about it a lot.  Here’s my 8-step plan for dealing with meanness in school:

1. Don’t try to address the mean person directly

Usually I’m in favor of addressing people directly, but in the case of school meanness, I don’t think a talk from another kid is going to change the mean person.  I know that novels tell you that standing up to bullies is good, but I think that mean people are secure in their meanness and aren’t going to stop just because someone their age asks them to.

2. Do Involve a Teacher

Maybe I’m just saying this because I’m a teacher, but teachers care about how kids are doing and want to help.  Teachers want to create safe schools where kids feel good about themselves and are undistracted from learning. In addition, luckily for you, they love to be approached personally for help. (Teachers can be vain, just like anyone else.)  Also, while your powers may be limited to talking to the mean person directly, teachers can do sneaky things to limit bad behavior (more on this later.)  So ask your teacher if the two of you can find a time to chat, although a word about timing:

3. Don’t Wait Until Something Really Bad Happens to Ask for Help

We’ve all been there–that one week when everything just goes to you-kn0w-where and we want the adults to step in and do something.  Definitely ask for help if you’re in that situation right now, but if you’re not, now is the time to meet with your teacher.  Specific events of meanness get sticky; there’s a lot of blaming and denial and it’s hard for teachers to get at the truth and figure out the right thing to do.  Just choose an ordinary day.

4. Also, Try to be Brave Enough to Go in Alone

As a teacher, I always got a little suspicious when more than two kids approached me at a time, and three or more turned into a teary free-for-all.  Come to me one-on-one and you’ve got my attention and respect.  I also had an easier time responding to kids without their parents there.  It was easier for me to feel sympathetic and come up with good ideas because I didn’t feel like I was under pressure.  Imagine yourself as a teacher, and some brave student comes to talk with you alone.  You’d feel sorry for the kid and have the urge to help them, right?

5. Tell Your Story, With a Medium Number of Details.  Be Humble.

You might want to begin like this: “I’m not saying this to tattle, but I’m having a really hard time with so-and-so being mean to me this year.”  You can give a few examples of the ways this person is mean and how it makes life hard for you.  Does he or she make fun of you in the hall or hide your belongings? Does this person send around rumors that have caused fights with your friends?  Without going into too much detail, give some examples.  (If the teacher wants more specifics, he or she will ask.)

Then say, “I know I’m not perfect, and I’m sure there’s more I can do to be nice and include people.  But it would be great if this person could be just a little less mean.  And I wanted to tell you because I thought maybe you could help.”

6. Come Prepared with Suggestions

Before your talk, think: how could teachers be effective?  Do they need to monitor the halls, bathrooms, or lunch tables better?  Teachers are stationed at those places for a reason, but they get lazy and even shy and don’t wander among the lunch tables as much as they should.  Your request could spread the word that they need to do this more.  Maybe teachers need to assign partners in certain classes so one person isn’t always left out, or make sure that two people never get to sit near each other.  There’s no such thing as a school where the teachers’ only job is to teach.  If there’s meanness at your school, the teachers need to be doing their  job more thoroughly.

7. Also Ask the Teacher for Suggestions

After you’ve shared your stories and your request, pause so the teacher has a chance to think.  Hopefully, he or she will have some ideas but that may not be the case just yet.  If you feel like your teacher is stumped, you can provide assurance: “I don’t expect everything to change right now, because I know teachers are only human.  However, it would be great if things could get even a little better.  I even feel glad that we got to chat just now.  Can we maybe talk again later this month?”  This will signal to the teacher that a) you are polite and reasonable; b) you’ll be back, and they need to come up with some solutions!

8. If it Doesn’t Work the First Time, Keep Trying Until it Does

Maybe you chose a teacher who had the time and desire to help, but maybe not.  Try not to feel discouraged–just find another one to talk to.  Or approach your principal or the school counselor.  If you talk to two or more teachers and no one does anything, it’s time to involve a parent.  Share with your parent all the approaches you have tried and the suggestions you made.  They will probably be peeved that the teachers didn’t help you and will summon all that energy when they go in and talk to the adults at school.  I’m optimistic that that will get things moving, but I’m more hopeful that you’ll have already made some difference.

Whew!

That was a longie, I know.  But I repeat my question to the girl in the audience: on a scale of huge tiny, was that helpful?

And as for the rest of you–kids, parents and teachers–is there anything you would subtract or add?  I’d really like to know.